Title: POISON (Nourishment 3.4)
Author: Janet F. Caires-Lesgold
Feedback to: jfc@freeshell.org
Archive: Mailing list archives only--others please ask permission!
Category: Vignette, angst, Lana POV
Spoilers: Post-"Magnetic" (etc.)
Rating: R for adult content
Pairing: Clark/Lex established relationship, Clark/other
Summary: Miss Lana regrets

DISCLAIMER: These characters do not belong to me. Smallville is the property of Alfred Gough, Miles Millar, Tollin-Robbins Productions, and Warner Bros. Television, and based upon characters originally created by Jerome Siegel and Joe Shuster. This story is just for the entertainment of my online friends and myself, not for any profit.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: The rest of "The Nourishment Series" can be found elsewhere on this archive - Enjoy!

AUTHOR'S ADDITIONAL NOTES: Like a few episodes we've seen, the CLex might not be apparent at first in this. However, you can trust me that it's still at work here, hiding behind the scenes!

DEDICATION: For Tiff, who is never pink, and Jake, who suggested I skip this one and move on to the next because it was giving me trouble. Yeah, right.

COPYRIGHT: (C) Janet F. Caires-Lesgold, March 5, 2004, jfc@freeshell.org

Please don't redistribute or alter this story in any way without the express permission of the author. Thank you very much.

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Clark loved me once, or so he said. I even think he meant it at the time. It's entirely possible that I loved him back, besides.

He said that he's wanted me almost all of his life. However, it was certainly easy for him to leave me behind when he ran away from home last summer. There have been moments that I am convinced I should have gone with him when he asked me, but I will have to live with the decision I made. Maybe I couldn't know what demons he was trying to slay, but I don't think I'll ever understand why he couldn't have stayed near the people who cared about him so he could gain strength from them. Instead, it was more important for him to give up and leave, then break things off with me when he returned, not caring if we had anything between us or not.

Since then, I've gotten over him and gone on with my life. No matter what he says, though, I don't know if he has done the same. Like for example, I wish he didn't look at me with those huge eyes like he'll never see me again. He keeps claiming that he just wants to be my friend, and I really want to believe that. It just feels like our brief madness lit some old ember in him that refuses to go out.

He says he meddles in people's lives to help them, but I'm not sure that's exactly it, at least when he meddles in mine. The latest mess was indeed mostly my fault, but once again, I found myself "saved" from Seth by Clark Kent.

Perhaps the ease with which Seth was able to turn my head should have alerted me to how starved I was for other male attention. I mean, I wasn't even interested in him at first, but I was so effortlessly swayed to his side, it was frightening. Still, I have to take comfort in the fact that while he got me to do some pretty crazy things, I came out of that fiasco with my virtue intact.

Then again, that wouldn't have been an issue if I hadn't wimped out--not with Seth, but before I ever met him...

How long ago was it now that I stupidly took that birthday cake up to Clark's loft? What in the world was I thinking would happen that night? All I know now is that it seemed right to kiss him back when he touched his lips to mine.

It was so different from the fancy party Lex had thrown him the year before. True, Clark's parents usually overlook the big day, but his friends often commemorate it in some small way. This year, Lex was busy with wedding plans, so I took it upon myself to be the one in charge. The minimalist approach certainly seemed appropriate with all of the changes that the past year had brought, like Whitney being gone, and everything that Clark and I had been through.

In the back of my mind, the candles on that cake flickered and flared when the flames burned down to touch the sugar frosting. However, most of my awareness was on Clark: his fierce gaze, his tender kisses, his hands floating here and there like they didn't quite know where to go. We were sitting on the old couch, which is a good thing, because had I still been standing up, my knees might have given out.

Panting as if he were out of breath, Clark pulled away and looked closely at me. Of course, at that angle, he was almost cross-eyed, so that's the image I retain of the moment. Suddenly he looked like he knew exactly what he was doing, as if he'd gotten some experience somewhere that I knew nothing about, which surprised the heck out of me.

His big fingers squeezed my thigh, almost slipping between my legs, and I nearly jumped. "I can make you feel really good if you want me to," he murmured, staring straight into my eyes.

I wasn't sure if he was talking about going all the way, or what, but all I know is that I panicked. Recoiling from his touch, I backed away from him on the couch. "No, no... We shouldn't..."

At my reaction, he sort of shook himself and the mood shifted. He took a deep breath and stood to walk to the window, wanting to put some space between us as quickly as possible, I assume. "I'm sorry... I thought... Damn," he exclaimed, though it sounded like he wanted to say something harsher.

I got up and followed him, but hesitated from getting too close. "I'm sorry, too, Clark. I mean, we can still have fun together, even if we don't... well, not yet, okay?"

After further apologies and forgiveness, we went back to basic kissing, but it was not the same. I enjoyed myself, of course, but I think we both felt like a moment had been lost. It wasn't until I got home that I realized that I hadn't even gotten any cake.

In the next few days, he and I spent some time together, Lex got married, there was that huge explosion on the Kent Farm, and Clark left town. I can't help thinking that some of these occurrences were related in some way. There's no way that the explosion and the accident that made his mother miscarry could have been his fault. He couldn't have been upset that Lex was getting married, could he? Of course not. They're very close friends, so I'd think that he'd have been happy for him. Then again, he never did show his face in the church that day...

No--that couldn't be the reason he left. Something had broken his heart, though. I'm sure that whatever family troubles Clark was having could not have been helped by the fact that I couldn't give him what he obviously wanted. I wonder if he would have run away if I had been a better girlfriend to him. Maybe I did spoil everything, just by saying no.

However, now it's all water under the bridge. I can't change the past, no matter how much I might like to do so. In the interests of moving on with my life, possibly to finding someone who's right for me, I need to forgive and forget. It is difficult for me to forgive Clark for leaving me behind, but to some extent, we both must accept responsibility for his having hurt me.

Clark said that he loved me once. I just wish that his love hadn't ended up damaging our relationship this much...

THE END