Title: CORNFLAKE GIRL (Nourishment 2.19)
Author: Janet F. Caires-Lesgold
Feedback to: jfc@freeshell.org
Archive: Mailing list archives only--others please ask permission!
Category: Vignette, angst, Chloe POV
Spoilers: All eps through "Exodus", though not a post-ep, per se
Rating: R for language and implications of sexual interaction
Pairing: Clark/Lex established relationship
Summary: Chloe considers the facts

DISCLAIMER: These characters do not belong to me. Smallville is the property of Alfred Gough, Miles Millar, Tollin-Robbins Productions, and Warner Bros. Television, and based upon characters originally created by Jerome Siegel and Joe Shuster. This story is just for the entertainment of my online friends and myself, not for any profit.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: The rest of "The Nourishment Series" can be found elsewhere on this archive - Enjoy!

DEDICATION: For SugarRush's Tori Amos Title Challenge, and for my fellow raisin, Tiff

COPYRIGHT: (C) September 30, 2003, Janet F. Caires-Lesgold, jfc@freeshell.org

Please don't redistribute or alter this story in any way without the express permission of the author. Thank you very much.

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Clark lied to me.

I saw him kissing Lana in the barn that day when I went to tell him about Mr. Luthor's visit, but he didn't bother to tell me about their relationship until I called him on it. This was even after we'd agreed to be more honest with one another.

I wonder if he tells her the truth.

What sort of sucker does that make me? I'd thought he almost kissed me at the formal last year because he was actually interested in me. However, I got an inkling that it had just been a whim when I turned around and found him gone. Sure enough, he had run from my side to hers. My place in his heart became obvious to me then.

It would have been fine if he really were gay. There was that party at Lex Luthor's where I saw him dancing with our host and kissing him out on the balcony. That didn't bother me a bit: in fact, I thought they were adorable together. If Clark preferred the company of men, I could deal with him on a whole different level where I wasn't merely the runner-up in his affections. I don't know exactly what was going on with the two of them. Maybe it was just a flirtation, or maybe they've got some sort of arrangement even now. But Clark had a little secret, and it made me happy to keep it unspoken for him. Uptight midwestern Kansas, and all...

The fact that Clark went ahead and asked me to the dance not long after his birthday didn't faze me at first, though I'd been hoping he would for some time anyway. Just because he might be gay didn't mean I wasn't still pretty crazy about him. However, I figured that it was just a front--after all, he couldn't bring *Lex* as his date to a school dance.

But then he slow-danced with me, and was actually going to kiss me right on the dance floor! And damn me if it didn't start to feel like there was something there, since he was apparently interested in girls, too, and he might really be able to care about me after all. Shows what I know...

Time and time again, I thought I had Clark the guy all figured out, as opposed to Clark the friend, whom I never think I'll understand. The guy gets his head turned by prettiness--that goes without saying. Maybe it's the sexiness of the rich and powerful playboy in town. Maybe Little Miss Perfect Right Next Door. Just for a second there, I thought it was me, but I guess I'm not pretty enough...

It's obvious what type of person Clark wants: somebody beautiful, somebody with more personal dynamic and more charisma than ordinary-looking little me. Somebody who floats above it all, just like Tori Amos's "Cornflake Girl" floats on top of the imaginary milk. I had always felt that she was letting her imagery get the better of her, but the more I think about it, the more it works. Clark doesn't want me, even though I may have more depth, more substance, more flavor, if you will, than Lana. I'm just a sodden little raisin, sunk to the bottom of the bowl, not easily attained and two-dimensional like certain ethereal little orphans...

Who was I to think I could get between a guy that gorgeous and the girl of his dreams? But irresistable force? Meet inconsequential object. This was never going to end well.

(Damn. Wastebasket overflowed. I'll empty it when the CD gets done, or the next time it gets done. Luckily, I have more tissues.)

When I thought that Clark was trying to be my friend again, I had no desire to investigate him like Mr. Luthor wants. Of course it would be an opportunity to move up in my career, but when I mistakenly thought that Clark still cared, maybe just a little, about me, it was entirely out of the question. You don't do that to your friends. But it's become apparent that I was wrong--Clark is no friend of mine. And hey! Look how much I've determined about him already! He's shallow, dishonest, *easy*. I had assumed he was smarter than to go for the obvious answer, to fall into the simple cliche. How could I have been so stupid? Remind me again: why did I ever want him in the first place? Oh, yeah--the gorgeous aspect...

You've gotta admit that they make a lovely couple. I just don't want to have to look at them together like that ever again. If that's what Lana wants, more power to her. She's ostensibly my friend--I should be happy for her. But there was the definite sensation of a hot poker through my heart when I saw him kiss her. I guess neither of them is really my friend after all. Funny, I kinda wish I thought I'd miss Lana's friendship more than I do.

So now Clark and Lex, if there ever *was* a "Clark and Lex", have gone their separate ways: Lex to his Helen, and Clark to his formerly untouchable ideal Lana. I wonder if this is what he really wants, or if he's going to hate himself somewhere down the line. If he has any trouble with this concept, I'd be glad to help out. I mean, I hate him already... I think... But am I willing to go so far as to betray him, just because he broke my heart?

Clark's decided what he wants, no matter who he might hurt along the way, if he's even thought about it at all. This might come back to haunt him quicker than he ever imagined...

Clark lied to me. Then again, I wonder if, more than that, he's just lying to himself...

THE END