Title: BREAKING A FAST (Nourishment 9)
Author: Janet F. Caires-Lesgold
Feedback to: jfc@freeshell.org
Archive: Mailing list archives only--others please ask permission!
Category: Vignette, angsty romance, Lex's POV (sequel to "Birthday Cake")
Spoilers: Takes place *before* "Kinetic"
Rating: R for language and implications of m/m interaction
Pairing: Clark/Lex
Summary: An open letter...

DISCLAIMER: These characters do not belong to me. Smallville is the property of Alfred Gough, Miles Millar, Tollin-Robbins Productions, and Warner Bros. Television, and based upon characters originally created by Jerome Siegel and Joe Shuster. This story is just for the entertainment of my online friends and myself, not for any profit.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: The rest of "The Nourishment Series" can be found elsewhere on my webpage - You don't have to read them all first, but it might help.

DEDICATION: For Tiff, who understands.

COPYRIGHT: (C) April 9, 2002, Janet F. Caires-Lesgold, jfc@freeshell.org

Please don't redistribute or alter this story in any way without the express permission of the author. Thank you very much.

_______________

Clark knows.

I had to tell him last night, after we really made love for the first time. It would have been cruel not to do so then, since he'd told me the same thing at the top of a ferris wheel over a week ago.

So how do I put this?

Mom, I've met someone.

No, that's not quite right. You knew that already.

Mom, I love him.

Yeah, I know. I've never said that to anyone before, except you. Most of my life I hadn't thought it was possible, that maybe you would be the only person on earth worthy of my love. But Clark is special.

I wish you could meet him. He's young--just legal yesterday--but seems older somehow. Sometimes I look into his huge, green eyes and feel like I could drown in the depths of the heartbreak I find there, like he's lived his life suffering for all mankind or something. When I see that, I just want to rescue him, to protect him from his demons, to spend every penny I have to make him happy.

Yes, he makes me very happy. I knew you'd want to ask that if you were here. I try to return the favor whenever possible. Oh, God, you should see him when he's happy! That smile is blinding! Would you look at that--he's smiling a little in his sleep. It gives me a helluva thrill to realize that I put that smile there. Wow.

He loves me, Mom. Can you believe it? I can't, much of the time. We've got so little in common--right, like you and Dad. At least you came from old money, where Dad is a self-made megalomaniac. Clark's folks have a farm, but not much else. They're proud people who wouldn't even let me give him a nice gift, even after he saved my life the first time.

Maybe it's corny, but my first thought upon plunging into that creek was that I'd be with you again soon. It's not like I was looking forward to dying, but I had so little here that I cared about--just work and money, and you know how unfulfilling that can be. So much has changed since then.

Just looking up into that beautiful face after he'd dived in to pull me out after the accident made me rethink our planned reunion. I know Dad would have my hide if he knew that I've wanted nothing more than to kiss Clark from the first moment I saw him. Wonder what he'll do when he finds out I'm fucking him. Sure, there are legal penalties against what we're doing in this godforsaken state. That's nothing compared to Lionel's brand of punishment for misbehaving. You know what? The look in Clark's eyes when he tells me he loves me makes me feel strong enough to stand up to Dad, even if he ships me to the North Pole next. I'm pretty sure Clark would even want to come along.

In some ways, Clark and I are alike: we're both very intelligent, very private people, feeling like we don't belong in the society into which we've landed. Oh, sure, there are things he won't tell me. Everybody's got those, right? I don't pry into his secrets, and hope that my secrets don't turn around and bite him on the ass. Wait a minute. Did I mean "me"? No. No, I didn't. He means more to me than I do to myself. My God. This is serious.

I have no idea what happens next. I've never been in love with someone else before--what if he changes his mind when he wakes up? What if he runs out of here and jumps into the bed of the next girl he sees? What if he can't look me in the eye--never wants to speak to me again, much less touch me? I don't know what I'd do if that happened. That's the hazard of loving someone, isn't it, Mom? You showed me that, every time Dad turned his back on you. You've gotta love somebody pretty deeply for them to hurt you that much.

For as fragile as you were, your soul was always strong. I don't know if I inherited that from you, or if in the course of saving my body, Clark has strengthened my soul, too. Even if he does break my heart in the long run, I think I can handle it. At least I am pretty sure I can be brave and not turn into his worst enemy. I loved you and lost you, and I'm still here, am I not? Perhaps I can always take comfort in the fact that, whatever comes tomorrow, I've at least had today.

Hey, look--he's waking up. There are green eyes looking over at me from that face on the pillow next to mine. Wait: he's smiling.

Oh, my God. This is serious.

Clark knows I love him now, and I know he loves me.

It's been a long, long time...

Until later, Mom--your beloved Alexander.

THE END