Title: HAMBURGER (Nourishment 10)
Author: Janet F. Caires-Lesgold
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Archive: Mailing list archives only--others please ask permission!
Category: Angst and smut, Clark's POV (takes place after "Breaking a Fast")
Spoilers: Post-ep for "Zero"
Rating: NC-17 for language, violence, and kinky m/m interaction
Pairing: Clark/Lex established relationship, implied other m/f
Summary: We all grieve in different ways...
WARNING!!!: *High* squick potential in this one! We go someplace pretty dark here. (No permanent damage, though, FYI...) Be thusly warned.
DISCLAIMER: These characters do not belong to me. Smallville is the property of Alfred Gough, Miles Millar, Tollin-Robbins Productions, and Warner Bros. Television, and based upon characters originally created by Jerome Siegel and Joe Shuster. This story is just for the entertainment of my online friends and myself, not for any profit.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The rest of "The Nourishment Series" can be found elsewhere on my webpage - You don't have to read them all first, but it might help.
DEDICATION: For Tiff and all of the boys.
COPYRIGHT: (C) April 25, 2002, Janet F. Caires-Lesgold, firstname.lastname@example.org
Please don't redistribute or alter this story in any way without the express permission of the author. Thank you very much.
Lex is safe.
Those words kept repeating in my head while I tried and failed to sleep. That guy, Amanda's brother, had failed in his quest to kill my lover, who was now home, unharmed, probably sound asleep. I didn't need to worry. And yet...
Had I just drunk too much coffee at the Talon's grand opening? No--I've never noticed any reaction to caffeine at all. I didn't feel sick, and all of my homework was finished. Something, however, was weighing on me.
It was the silence. Lex had promised to buy us a new herd right away, but the ground was still contaminated, so that nothing made any noise in our cow pasture. I didn't realize how familiar the nighttime lowing of the cattle becomes over time, at least not until it was taken away--the most terrifying thing I've heard in my life was the awful hush after my dad pointed it out. Now the relative absence of sound outside pressed on my heart almost to the point of breaking.
The regular slaughter of animals for food doesn't really bother me--they serve their purpose and go on to benefit people all over town. That's just the way of the world. But to kill them all just for revenge! How thoughtless and cruel! All those innocent creatures!
I kept trying to tell myself that the guy was deranged, that there was nothing I could have done to stop him, but it didn't help. My family would be fine. My Lex would be just fine. But the animals--they never hurt anyone, and didn't deserve to die like that!
All of my gifts were useless to protect them, too... It made me wonder what good they were, really, if my family and friends were that vulnerable to outside attack while I was right there! I felt more like a freak than usual--stupid and powerless and worthless... The whole situation just made me angry, both at the guy who endangered us, and at myself for not being aware of what was happening at the time so I could have put a stop to it.
Why couldn't I be an innocent little boy again, safe at home with mommy and daddy? For a minute, I thought maybe I'd feel better if I could crawl into my parents' bed like I used to do to ward off nightmares. Before I could stop myself, I was on my feet and out in the hall, listening outside their door. However, I was grown-up enough to know that those noises inside meant that I would not be welcome right then. It sounded like my mother might be crying, but I could tell that there was more to it than that...
I leaned my head against the door frame for a minute, eyes closed against the visions of dead cows, trying not to listen to my parents attempting to forget their sorrows in each other's arms, when suddenly I knew I had to get out of there. Not quite running, and not quite tiptoeing, I moved back to my room, threw off my pajamas, and hurried into jeans, sweater, and boots, then grabbed my jacket and bolted as quietly as I could downstairs and out the door.
As much as I wanted to take some comfort with Lex, I didn't trust myself. We hadn't been lovers for very long, but I'd been very careful up to that point never to lose control enough to risk hurting him. It was then that it struck me--I wanted to lose control, to break something: anything to strike back at the horror that was haunting me.
But what to break? How to lose control and not become just like Amanda's brother? If I turned it loose in the woods, I'd likely tear down a whole stand of old growth trees--not good. Damaging property that belonged to other people would make me no better than a common thief--even worse, as after I got done with it, there wouldn't be much left for them ever to get back.
As I mentally piled up lists of things that I would be equally cruel and thoughtless merely to touch in this chaotic state of mind, I ran. The cold air shot past me as I zipped over the ground beneath my feet, almost not crushing a single blade of grass. The speed felt good, better than I'd felt for a day or two, but it wasn't enough.
Before I got genuinely lost, I remembered an old quarry a few towns over, and made a beeline for it. Twisting the locked gate just enough to allow me to crawl inside, I surveyed the land, sprinting a half a dozen laps around the top edge to burn off some more energy. I was almost panting as I stood on a precipice scanning the ground below, when I found what I'd been seeking.
Gravity gave me so much momentum that I almost ran right past it, but I stopped just in time. There it was, lying in the midst of a field of finer gravel--a featureless granite boulder, nearly a cubic yard of solid rock, belonging to no one and entirely free of life or value. It was beautiful.
My first punch chipped off a good-size chunk, but the bulk of it still stood, so I estimated the amount of force I would need to accomplish my goal. The knots I could feel choking my heart banded together as I started whaling on the innocent stone, bits of it flying off in several directions and a thick cloud of dust rising around me and my prey.
The combined power of my blows almost made me blind with concentration. I wanted my fists to hurt, my lungs to be gasping for breath, my sweater to be soaked with perspiration, but, before long, I stood in a pile of uniform rubble, covered in granite dust but otherwise as outwardly undisturbed as if I'd been standing outdoors when a freak snowstorm had dumped a thin, even layer of white stuff on me. My anger was undissipated, though, and I almost wanted to throw up from sheer frustration. However, looking more closely, I spotted tiny green crystals among the nearby rocks, and I lost no time in getting myself out of the quarry and back on the road home.
I found myself running again, mostly because I knew that if I didn't, I wouldn't get home for a couple of hours. For some reason, though, I didn't want to go home. Destruction of an object had been a little satisfying, but I still needed some relief. It was then I realized how hard I was, and how much I wanted to see Lex, even if I couldn't touch him in the state I was in.
Squeezing through my favorite spot in the fence, I easily climbed into the window I knew was never locked and made my way to his bedroom. The hinges on his door were always a little creaky, "to announce visitors" as Lex said, but they were quiet for me--maybe they recognized me after the past month of regular visits. Lex's bed curtains were open--perhaps he'd been hoping I'd stop by, or maybe he was still so sore after his hours hung up in that straitjacket like a side of beef that he didn't have the strength to close them. I moved to the foot of the bed, just watching his fine features relaxed in sleep. God, I loved and wanted Lex so much that it almost scared me! Standing there, practically vibrating with need, I didn't dare wake him, though I found that I was not quite brave enough to pull out my cock and masturbate for fear of being caught.
Maybe I'd gotten a mouthful of quarry dust, but while trying very hard to be quiet as a mouse, I coughed. Deep blue eyes flew open and fell on me immediately. "Clark, is that you?" Oh, yes--I'd forgotten. With the new moon, it was fairly dark in his room, and his eyes had to get used to the low light levels.
"I'm sorry, Lex. I didn't want to wake you..." It felt awkward just standing there, but some of the grime hadn't blown off my clothes, and I didn't want to sit on his black coverlet and get it dusty.
"Are you all right?" he asked, obviously not sure if I wanted him to throw back the covers and welcome me into his bed or needed him to run to my side to help me.
"No." My answer was the most honest thing I'd allowed myself to say out loud since the silence had fallen in our cow pasture.
Suddenly he was on his feet and hovering beside me. "What's wrong, Clark? You look like you're doing battle with something bigger than either of us." He must have been referring to something in my eyes, because I knew my earlier efforts barely showed on my body or my clothes.
"I didn't know where else to go," I admitted, afraid to catch his eye.
"Come here," he summoned in a whisper, grasping my shoulder to pull me into his arms.
Effortlessly, I broke away. "I can't right now, Lex. I... I need help, and I don't know what to do..."
His hand drifted a few inches from me, as if I seemed about to collapse on his floor. "Are you on anything, Clark?" Of course--my worldly-wise lover's first thought in a case like this would be drugs.
"No, nothing." That at least made him relax a little.
"Can I get you a drink or something?" His second thought? Alcohol. Why was I not surprised?
"Maybe some water," I asked.
"Nothing stronger?" he offered over his shoulder as he hurried to a mini-fridge and pulled me out a cobalt-blue bottle. I shook my head in reply to his question, because I didn't have the wherewithal to explain to him that liquor had never had any effect on me, except for that time I'd tried to get drunk on Pete's great-uncle's corn squeezings, which must have been contaminated with meteor-rock soil, as it made me pee green for three days.
I took the bottle from him, cracked the seal, and downed its contents quickly.
As I handed the bottle back, I noticed that I'd crushed the cap into a lopsided metal rectangle, so I shoved it into my pocket so he wouldn't see. "Not really. I..." Words wouldn't come.
"What is it, Clark? You can tell me anything."
While avoiding looking at him or anything else, I was struck with a flash of the pasture filled with the bodies of our old herd. "All the cows..." I managed to croak.
He bent his head closer to me. "Your cows? Your dad's cows?" It was all I could do to nod in affirmation. "Are you upset about the cows?" I nodded again, weakly. "You do know that I didn't have anything to do with that, don't you?"
"I know," I said at last. "But that guy..."
"Yeah--it's not right that he killed them, you know? They never did anything to anyone..."
"No, they didn't. Now come here and sit down. You need to relax." Once again, he tried to grasp my shoulder.
Wriggling away, I stared into his face, more afraid for him than he was for me. "I've gotta do something. I couldn't have stopped him, could I?"
"No, Clark, you couldn't." His voice was even and calm, almost like my dad's when I'd been little and upset because I didn't understand why I was different from everyone else.
"I wish I could have hurt him, you know?"
"You don't have to. He can't hurt you or your family anymore."
"No, Clark--he can't hurt me now, either."
"He did, though, didn't he? Tell me what he did, Lex. I have to know..." I knew I wasn't being entirely rational, but I couldn't help myself.
Lex swallowed and blinked slowly. "No, Clark. That won't help you. You don't need to know that. Revenge is useless now--he's gone."
"But... I have to do something. Can you help me, Lex? Please?"
His hand floated beside me as if he were afraid to touch me, as well he should have been. "Whatever you want, Clark. Tell me how I can help you."
"I need to hurt something, hurt someone..."
This obviously took him aback, but I kept ranting.
"I already broke something, and it didn't help. I need to find someone I can hurt, just to make this pain go away..."
He licked his lips slowly, and his eyes sort of... changed. "Is that what you really want, Clark? Would it be what you need?"
"I don't know," I muttered. "Maybe."
"Okay, baby," he agreed after a deep breath. "You can do whatever you like--you're the boss."
"What?" I asked, finally hearing what he was saying.
"It's okay, Clark. Hurt me. If it's what you need, I can do that for you."
"Wh--... No, Lex! I couldn't!" The import of what he was offering me suddenly hit home. My head suddenly filled with sickening images of me breaking Lex's bones, wrenching his arm from its socket, crushing his head like an eggshell... "Don't ask me to do that! I can't!!!"
"Yes, you can. I can show you how..." His eyes were hard and glinted so strangely that I almost didn't recognize him.
"Lex, you don't understand--I could kill you!"
It was as if he was no longer trying to calm down his lover, or even quiet an unruly child--he was now negotiating with a terrorist, and I can't say that I didn't feel every bit the part. "That's okay, Clark. If you need to, kill me."
Rage and horror warred within my gut, and neither gave an inch. "I don't want to do that, Lex, really! I love you!"
"I love you, too, Clark," he said quietly, "and I trust you not to go too far. Do you trust me?"
"Then wait here." He gave me a long look, then slipped out his bedroom door. I finally took off my jacket and my dusty boots, noting that, in my haste, I'd neglected to put on any socks. Slapping my hands along my jeans, I managed to dislodge most of the rest of the dust, so finally felt at ease enough to sit on the edge of Lex's bed. Adjusting myself, I was surprised to note that I was still nearly as hard as that granite boulder had been.
The man I love was back very soon, but I was still seeing red to such a degree that he startled me when he entered the room. In his hand was a worn, lumpy valise, nothing like the fine leather luggage I would have sworn that a man like Lex Luthor would own. "I keep these locked up," he admitted as he fastened the outer door. "It would be too easy for an intruder to use them against me if I left them in here." Without further introduction, he dropped the bag at my feet, then stepped back carefully.
Opening the zipper of the valise, I let my eyes fall onto its contents. Many things were recognizable, such as handcuffs and a length of nylon rope, but many other things were completely foreign to me.
"We can play as hard or as gentle as you like," he explained. "Some things will hurt me more than others, of course, and I'll be happy to tell you how to use anything you're unsure about. You're in charge here."
I looked up into his eyes, which held mine for a moment until I realized he was still wearing his pajamas. His gaze followed mine down his body.
"Do you want me to take these off?" There was something very odd in his voice, a tone that tweaked a previously-unknown place in my brain.
"Yes," I answered him at last. "I need to see you." Quickly, he followed my request and stripped out of the silk fabric.
When he was naked, he fell to his knees before me. "I am yours to command, Clark. Tell me what to do."
I'd been doing a little reading in my spare time, so while I was utterly terrified of my own power against Lex should I lose control completely, I knew that he was offering me a safe place to work carefully through my anger. An important safeguard occurred to me. "How will I know when to stop?" I asked.
He smiled knowingly. "That's good. Thank you for giving me a safe word. If I say your mother's first name, that will be a signal for you to stop whatever you're doing. Okay?"
"If you say, 'Martha', that's the end, right?" I verified with him.
"Yes. Do you want me on the bed?"
"Yeah... Lie down," I instructed, watching him as he complied with my wishes. Pulling off my sweater, I then dug around in the bag, considering some articles and discarding some automatically. Eventually, I placed a roll of duct tape and a switchblade knife on the bed beside my lover.
"Is that it?" he asked, looking over my selections.
"I think so," I answered, picking up the knife. "Gotta cut the tape with something--I never could tear it with my hands..." In fact, were I being honest, I tended to shred the entire roll down to the core when I tried, but I didn't dare tell him that.
Lex lay with his hands folded under his head for the time being, regarding me cautiously. "You can use it for something else, you know."
Instead of actively listening to him, I'd flicked the button on the knife, popping the blade out and squinting at its edge closely. "You already took off your pajamas..."
"I meant me," he offered darkly, making me exchange a serious glance with him. "It's okay, Clark," he soothed, not giving me a chance to protest. "It's very sharp, and I cleaned it before I put it away last time. I find it remarkably... therapeutic."
My plan of attack reoriented itself in my head as I chewed over this information. I can't say that I wasn't scared to death of doing something wrong, but I proceeded without letting my fear show on my face, or so I hoped. "Put your hands through the railing," I ordered, pointing to the head of his bedframe.
He did so, and clasped them together on the other side.
I unrolled a length of tape, and, being mindful of keeping his blade clean, bit through the edge of the silver fabric and tore it as gently as I could. With the tape in my hand, I crawled up to his pillows and, yanking his arms a little while making allowance for his recent injury, taped his wrists together on the far side of the rails, then threw the remaining roll aside. "You good?" I asked.
"Fine. You wanna tie down my legs?" he countered.
Noting that this would require more effort than I was willing to expend given the size of his bed, I replied, "Naaah--I trust you."
Smiling carefully, he said, "That's good. I trust you, too."
Suppressing the desire to kiss him, I moved down his body and straddled his chest. My fingers found the knife again and picked it up slowly. I turned the handle around and around, almost mesmerized by the reflections on the shiny blade.
Lex's voice broke through the haze. "Who am I, Clark? Am I the man who hurt your animals?" He caught my eye with a gaze that wasn't like him at all. "Let me be him. What do you want to do to me?"
I sighted down the knife's edge directly between his eyes. "I want to kill you, you bastard," I said very calmly, hoping that the pounding of my heart didn't show in my voice. "However," I went on, "I can't do that. That would bring me down to your level." My eyes narrowed, but Lex's gaze remained steady. We just sat there and breathed at each other for more than a minute. "I can hurt you, though," I suggested, making Lex swallow hard, though quiet acceptance was all that showed on his face. He watched as I brought the knife down toward the skin of his chest, which was already marked with the scars of his earlier wild life in the big city.
Laying the blade flat against his flesh, I pressed it softly in the muscle over his heart, being extremely careful not to break the skin. "You're mine," I whispered, both to Lex and to the character he was playing, then pushed the point down more gently than I'd ever done anything in my life.
He'd been right--the blade was sharp. A pinpoint of blood welled up where the tip had just pierced the topmost layer of skin, and he and I both hissed to see it. My nerve to continue this part of the game gave way then, so I pulled the knife away from my lover's chest and set it within reach but behind me on the bed. Immediately, I fell on the tiny wound and licked up the red stain, enjoying the taint of copper on my tongue and kissing the hurt away. I could tell that Lex didn't dare fault me for my lack of persistence, despite the fact that the bleeding had already stopped, and besides: I wasn't done yet.
We just looked at each other for several moments, both of us breathing hard, but my groin didn't want to wait any longer. I raised up on my knees and unzipped my jeans, and my erect penis pushed out into my hand--I must have forgotten to put on underwear, as well. Walking forward on my knees, I took myself in hand and aimed for Lex's mouth, which hung open slightly in anticipation. "You're going to suck my cock now," I growled, licking my lip slowly.
Lex stared up at me, strangely submissive, then opened his mouth with a small wet sound and closed his eyes. My eyes fell closed as well the moment my dick made contact with his tongue. I pushed in with my hips, relishing the slide of his lips along my length. Glancing over my shoulder, I picked up the knife again, positioning the tip of the blade just under his ear and giving his skin a harmless scratch to let him know it was there. "Just suck it, you prick," I murmured. "Any tricks, and this game is over."
I could feel Lex swallow me down then, so I grabbed the edge of the bedframe with my free hand. Steadying myself, I began to fuck his mouth, slowly at first, but gradually speeding up and increasing in depth. He moaned around me, but I couldn't tell if it was from desire or pain, though the thought of either option just made me thrust harder. The edge of his bottom teeth scraped along my glans, making me groan with the effort of holding back.
At last, my anger burst forth in a fierce howl of invective. "Fuck you, you goddamned creep! You think you're such hot shit, killing animals and torturing people! I'm gonna stop you so you never hurt anybody again. Take it, motherfucker! Choke on it! Oh, God, I hate you!" With that, I came in a hot wave, pouring out my release right down Lex's throat, and all of my pent-up rage spilled out along with it.
The spasms of his throat muscles around me reminded me to slide out, letting him lick me clean as I did so. Before I could collapse on his chest, I yanked the knife away from my lover's throat, reached up and gingerly cut apart the tape binding his wrists, then flung the weapon to some far corner of the room, where the carpeting absorbed any clatter and cushioned its fall.
Seeing Lex flex his shoulders as he brought his arms back to his sides just made something break inside of me. I started shaking uncontrollably, and sudden tears flooded my eyes. "Are you okay?" I asked with a tremble in my voice.
"I'm fine, Clark. How about you?"
I couldn't answer him with more than a deep sob, and I crumpled onto his chest and cried as he wrapped his arms around me lovingly. No matter how much I had been hurting during the past few days, it couldn't compare to how wretched I was at the thought of what I'd done to the man I love. "I'm sorry," I choked out finally.
"Shhhhh, baby--don't apologize. Don't talk. Just cry. It's okay. I love you." His hands petted me and tried to calm me down, but all I could do was gulp air and bawl like a little kid. I felt his lips kissing me on the head, and I nuzzled harder into his chest.
"I didn't mean it," I wailed. "I love you. I never--" My voice caught for a moment before I could continue. "I never wanted to hurt you."
I could hear the warmth in his voice even with my ear pressed to his heart. "No harm done, beautiful. You just did what you had to do. I'm going to be just fine. Are you going to be all right?"
"I don't know..." Once again, I spoke the truth, though I was falling apart throughout.
"Come here, Clark." At Lex's prompting, I sat up on the edge of the bed, then stood up when he tugged gently on my hands. I couldn't object when he reached for the waistband of my jeans, unfastened them, and lowered them to the floor. After he helped me step out of them, he wrapped his arm around my naked shoulders and walked me into the bathroom. Before I knew it, we were in his shower, and he was holding me up in a lukewarm needle spray. Somehow, this was just what I needed, and I stood still as the water flowed from my overheated head down around my exhausted body, sluicing away what was left of my anger. Lex made affectionate noises in my ear, and slowly I could breathe again and stop crying.
Turning in his arms, I grabbed him in a tight hug. "Thank you, Lex. I'm gonna be okay, I think."
"I knew that," he reassured me, smiling audibly. "That's why you came to me."
Pulling back, I couldn't help the grin that was starting to creep across my face. "I love you, you know." I dove in to take the kiss that I'd been denying myself all night.
"Yes, I know," he grinned back as soon as I broke away. "I love you, too. So, it's late: do you want me to wash that grit out of your hair, fuck you, or just dry you off and put you to bed?"
I looked down at the floor of the bathtub to find what was left of the granite dust swishing around our feet.
"Is there a good explanation for that?" he asked me, pointing at the detritus with a bottle of shampoo.
"Well, there certainly isn't a short explanation for it..."
"Oh, well. Maybe it's too late for that, especially if you still want me to fuck you."
"Please?" I asked, hopefully. I took his warm chuckle for an affirmative answer. "Lex," I continued, as he began lathering my hair, "why in the hell do you have shampoo in your shower?"
"For occasions such as this, Clark. I may not have been a Boy Scout, but I know that one must always be prepared."
I smiled ruefully at the thought of his bag of supplies out in the bedroom as I relished the feel of his fingers running through my much-cleaner hair.
Once I was rinsed and feeling more like myself, he pulled my face close and gave me a long, sweet, passionate kiss. "All better?" he asked, with a twinkle in his eye.
Arching an eyebrow at him, I reminded him, "You said something about fucking me?"
"Oh, yes," he replied as if he'd forgotten, turning me around, bending me over, and propping my hands on a convenient grab bar on the side of the tub.
I was about to ask if he'd had the bar installed just for this purpose, but I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer. It surprised me how good it felt to get hard again so soon, though this time it was at Lex's hand, so I suppose it should have been a given.
His wet hands worked to open my ass, and soon he was poised to make me his all over again. "Clark," he asked as he positioned himself behind me, "is it true what they say about farmboys and cows?"
"Is what true?" I asked stupidly, just as he took his first long thrust into my body.
"You know!" he chuckled, fucking me sweetly and well, his hand jerking me perfectly.
It took me a moment to figure out what he meant, and I groaned with arousal and humor at once when I realized that he was giving me a hard time--in fact, a very nice hard time. "Ohhhh, Lex!" I scolded, shaking my head in mock dismay at what he was implying. With another good thrust, though, I said the same words in a much happier moan.
Lex is safe, I said silently to myself, almost as a prayer of thanks. Not just that, but Lex keeps me safe, too. How lucky can one guy be?
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