TITLE: Safe Words

(Part 1 of 1 part)


E-MAIL: mikdok@hotmail.com


RATING: NC-17. M/SK. This story contains references to slash i.e. m/m sex. So, if you don't like that type of thing - STOP NOW! Forewarned is forearmed. Proceed with caution.

SUMMARY: Once upon a time, a beanie-baby lovin' babe wrote a little tale about Scully and TLG. Then her friend, who be little but mighty, wrote what Scully saw that took her to TLG. Then I, being incredibly OCD and unable to leave untidy edges, decided to write about how Mulder felt about Scully and Skinner and phone bills and scotch and sex and some other things. This is the continuation of Janet and Leah's Sanctuary/Better Left Unsaid.

FEEDBACK: Feedback? Well, yes, if you insist... Flames? Send 'em to my brother, he's having a barbecue.

TIMESPAN/SPOILER WARNING: This is an AU, no spoilers.

KEYWORDS: vignette slash angst Skinner Mulder NC-17

DISCLAIMER: Fox Mulder, Walter Skinner, Dana Scully and all other X-Files characters belong to Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen Productions and 20th Century FOX Broadcasting. No copyright infringement is intended and no profit is being made from their use. I'd rather say that they really are mine, but I've been advised to deny everything.

*Author's Notes: So this is for Janet and Leah and is the threequel to Sanctuary/Better Left Unsaid. Thank you, ladies, for letting me play. Thank you, Susan, for making sure I stuck to the rules.

Safe Words by Mik

Well, where the HELL is she? She must have been fifteen minutes ahead of me, getting out of the Hoover. So why is it I've been waiting in front of her place for an hour? It's not that I'm particularly eager to have this conversation but, it's hanging over my head like the sword of Damocles, and I want the damn thing to fall and get it over with.

Love. He said he LOVED me. Why did he do that? Why ruin a good thing? Wait, I'll take that one, Mr. Trebek, for five hundred. What is... because I ruin everything? This was just supposed to be about sex. About having someone to turn to on late, lonely evenings. This wasn't supposed to be a relationship. Okay, so I was spending more and more nights with him, and yeah, when I was on the road I did call him a lot, but still, it wasn't about love. It was just about sex.

I know we never discussed it, but it was tacitly implied. I mean, what would a smart, good-looking, powerful guy like that want in a relationship with someone as unstable, unpredictable and paranoid as me? I'm not totally clueless, you know. I am aware of my shortcomings as a federal agent, as a friend, as a human being.

Come ON, Scully, come on. Just come home, let me eat shit and grovel and get out. Get out of your life entirely probably. How could you ever want to face me again? How could you ever trust me? I know your request for reassignment will be on the Deputy Director's desk by nine oh one tomorrow. Maybe my resignation ought to be there first.

Just don't take it out on him, huh, Scully? Leave him out of this. This is between you and me, isn't it? I betrayed you, hurt you--he was just the instrument. And, God, Scully, I never meant to hurt you. You don't know how much you meant to me, still do. I think I've loved you from the first time I saw the hint of acceptance flicker across your face, the first time I saw the doubt fade in your eyes. Why didn't I ever tell you? Oh, Alex, are we still in this category? The question's the same. What is... because I ruin everything? And because I know it, I could never risk ruining our professional relationship for the sake of a few hours of sweaty passion, and lots and lots of guilt. No, Scully, you might be the Hoover's Dream Girl, but I'd be your worst nightmare.

It's been almost two hours, Scully. I'm starting to get worried. It isn't like you to... wait a minute... is that... it is you. What's with the Jackie O sunglasses at this time of night? If I can just get to you before you get to your front door-- "Scully."

Don't. Don't look at me like that. I don't need to see your eyes to know how much anger you're feeling right now. I want to hold you, just pull you into a hug and let all my remorse and regret seep into you through your skin, a giant Mulder patch. But you pull back. And you smell like... cigarettes and--and... sex? Scully, where the HELL have you been, and with whom?

I know my disgust shows in my face. I can see it in the reflection of those oversized shades. How could you do this, Scully? Casual sex isn't your style. It's cheap. It demeans you. You're above all that, aren't you?

I'm not going to let you go inside and lock me out. I'll muscle my way in after you, no matter what you say. Damn it, listen to me. At least listen to what I have to say. All that I've been rehearsing the last two hours. No, none of that means shit right now. What matters at all is what have I driven you to? Please tell me you at least used a condom.

Okay, I deserved to be slapped. Now you're going to listen. Stop crying, stop telling me none of it matters. Just sit down and listen to me. Let me tell you how much I've always loved you, respected you, how much... how much I never wanted to hurt you. Oh, God, Scully. I never wanted to hurt you.

No, don't get tender and forgiving. Don't let a few tears turn you. Don't start assuming the blame. You've been with me too long, Scully. It's become second nature for you to presume guilt where none is there.

What you saw... yeah, I was on my knees for our boss. But, it's not like that. I mean, it didn't mean... How long? I dunno, a few weeks, a couple of months. I don't know why. He was there, I was lonely, he was lonely. That's all it is, Scully, just a couple of lonely guys.

What do you know about lonely guys, Scully? No, lonely women want more than sex. They want the whole package. They'd rather stay lonely than just go for the quick satisfaction. Guys don't... what's that expression for? Jeesh, Scully, don't tell me you... John? John who? BYERS? Well, at least it wasn't Frohike. No, I didn't mean that. Was he--did he--was it good?

Now why are you crying? Okay, so you gave in to a moment of weakness. Byers is a nice guy. I mean, at least you know he'd be wearing clean underwear and socks. No, ignore that. I'm being a prick. I say stupid things when I'm under pressure, you know that. Just, please, stop crying, will you?

Why do you keep asking me that? I told you, it was just about sex. Skinner's a nice guy, but I think he wouldn't be able to put up with me very long in close quarters. What do you mean, the expression on his face? He was getting a blow job, of course he looked happy. No, there wasn't more than that. You're letting shock interpret the facts. Use that brilliant, clinical mind of yours for a minute. Why would he--

Okay, maybe you do love me, but that's different. You're not risking your career for me. You're not risking your family and your friends for me. No, I don't want him to do that, either. That's why this is just about sex. But, Scully, I'm asking--no, I'm begging you, and I've never begged for anything from you, have I? Don't let this be about him. I don't want him hurt. I know I hurt you, and I know you need some sense of justice, but take it out on me, okay? Don't hurt him. I... yeah, I do care about him.

Choose? Scully, come on. There's nothing to choose. I can't have a relationship with you. I love you too much to put you through the horrors of Loving Mulder. And as for Skinner... even if I wanted him now, I walked out on him a little while ago to come here. I don't think I stand much of a chance of getting him back.

You have anything in this house to drink? I could use something. I don't care. A beer, if that's all you've got. Scotch? He drinks scotch. Neat. Makes his kisses smoky. Sorry. That was crass, wasn't it? I'll take the beer, please.

Here, come sit with me. I'll hold you, warm you up. It's just shock. You're a doctor, you know that. Do you think you'll ever forgive me? Is it time for us to shake hands and say goodbye? No, don't start crying again. Jeesh, Scully, how can such a little thing hold so much water? Yeah, yeah, the body is sixty percent water, but that isn't all in TEARS, you know.

Scully, why Byers? I know I have no right to ask, but I have to know. Of all the guys in the world, of all the Lone Gunmen, why him? Is his Kung Fu better than Langly's? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You know I make stupid remarks when I'm nervous or upset. Why did you go to him, anyway? I never knew you two were... you did what? Are you crazy? How dare you? How could you invade my privacy, our privacy like that? No, I have to go. I have to warn him what you've done. I suppose I can expect to hear from the OPR tomorrow.

Let go of me, Scully. I can't believe this. That's the act of a desperate, jealous woman, Scully, not you. No, don't say that. Shit, what is with everyone and love tonight? You don't love me. You can't. I'm not worth it. Fuck the door, listen to me. Get this through your head, Dana Katherine Scully. You... do... not... love... oh, all right, get the damn door.

"Sk-skinner." Oh, don't look at me like that. Please. Haven't I been through enough tonight? Look, all I wanted to do was relieve a little tension and go home. Yeah, with you, but still, we're not talking 'happily ever after' here. It's not as if you and I are going to set up housekeeping in that Bachelor Pad by GQ, where you live.

Don't worry about it, Walter, she's not going to go to the OPR with this. I've already apologized for what she saw. You shouldn't be here. What if someone... damn it, there was nothing to tell. Oh, all right. Scully, the boss and I have been doing the nasty a couple of nights a week. Happy? Both of you? What do you want from me, some big confession? Yeah, I liked it. I never knew my pendulum swung that way until I met our boss, and then I was obsessed with him. Yeah, obsessed, don't look so shocked. Didn't you know you were being stalked, there, buddy boy? Did you think I just 'happened' to drop in that night, when we had the whole fifth floor to ourselves? It was carefully planned.

What do you mean, you 'arranged' for us to be alone that night? YOU were after ME? Sorry, not even I will believe that one. Besides, we're getting away from the point. The point is... stop looking at me like that. Scully, get him some scotch, will you? Never mind, I'll get it myself.

Shit, shit, shit! What am I supposed to do now? They both say they love me. It's bad enough to deal with the pressure of one of them, but both of them? I love her, and I want him and I can't have either one. How does he drink this stuff? It's awful. Think, Mulder, think. Use that brain everyone pretends to be impressed with.

Okay. She's beautiful, and compassionate, and intelligent, and she knows me inside out. He's strong, and powerful, and incredibly sexy, and he turns me inside out. Society says I should be with her, the Bureau says no fraternization. But, what would they make of me fraternizing with my boss? I can't win here. I want them both. Can't have either of them. Huh? Oh, here's your scotch. How is she? I know, she's nothing but water tonight.

Did you... did you mean what you said? You're certifiable, you know that. Oh, man, that feels good. How do you do that? I'm having the most miserable night of my adult life, and you're turning my knees to water. Shit, cut it out. She'll come in here, and I think she's already seen more of us than... on the phone? I didn't hear it ring? Who did she call? I mean, did it sound like she was calling her mother or something?

Stop it, Walter, come on, that tickles. I've warned you about touching me there... okay, okay, I like it. No, don't, not in these pants. It costs a fortune to get them cleaned. No, I will not take them off! This is her kitchen, for crying out loud! You see? She's coming in here, get your paws off of me.

Sorry. Scully, are you okay? You look a little weird. Sure, okay, I can go. If that's what you want. Are you going to be all right? Look, I can stay if you don't want to be... oh. Okay. As long as you won't be alone. Yeah, I'll see you in the morning, partner.

Come on, Walter, be a gentleman and walk me to my car. Fuck! Just like that she's got some guy coming over to 'keep her company'. I do too know who it is. Don't look at me like that. What do you want from me? What do you think you're--don't kiss me in the middle of the street. Are you crazy? Okay. I'll meet you at your place. Just this once.


Auto-Feedback Link! E-mail the author with any comments!