Title: Starvation (Nourishment 3.12)
Author: Janet F. Caires-Lesgold
Feedback to: jfc@freeshell.org
Archive: Mailing list archives only--others please ask permission!
Category: Angst, Clark POV
Spoilers: Missing scene from "Legacy". Contains spoilers for "Resurrection" and "Crisis".
Rating: Strong R for language and suggestions of m/m sexual behavior
Pairing: Clark/Lex established relationship
Summary: Clark does without

DISCLAIMER: These characters do not belong to me. Smallville is the property of Alfred Gough, Miles Millar, Tollin-Robbins Productions, and Warner Bros. Television, and based upon characters originally created by Jerome Siegel and Joe Shuster. This story is just for the entertainment of my online friends and myself, not for any profit.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: The rest of "The Nourishment Series" can be found elsewhere on this archive - Enjoy!

DEDICATION: For Tiff, who is hanging on to the bitter end, too.

COPYRIGHT: (C) Janet F. Caires-Lesgold, September 2, 2004, jfc@freeshell.org

Please don't redistribute or alter this story in any way without the express permission of the author. Thank you very much.

___________________

Lex hasn't touched me in weeks.

He hasn't held me in his arms, kissed me till he was breathless, taken off my clothes, sucked my cock, or made me come since I fucked him almost a month ago. The last time we made love was when I'd visited him to ask for advice about Alicia, but we haven't had the opportunity to do anything more in the meantime. There is a little voice in the back of my head telling me that even then something was not right between us, a voice that can be ignored if I work at it hard enough.

Since then, so much has prevented us from being alone and otherwise free to enjoy each other's company...

I've had to do a lot of extra work on the farm while my dad has been laid up. I don't mind or anything--it's not difficult for me, and it is a way I can help out my family when they need it. It's just a big bite out of my personal time away from school.

All the stuff about Adam was really stressful, too. Lex and I were together when we checked out that scary lab, and I was glad to have him by my side when we discovered all the dead people there, though I think he needed me more than I needed him right then. When we got back, there was the formal investigation, so we were out of luck to be together as more than possible accomplices.

In spite of everything, Adam's death really got to me. I know he killed people, hurt many more, and tricked Lana into thinking he was really interested in her while he was spying on us for Lionel behind our backs. If Lionel really is behind the research in that lab, I would say that he committed the greater crime than Adam. My boyfriend's father helped create whatever Adam was, which doesn't really condone the guy's actions, but I can't help but feel sorry for all that he'd been through. It isn't fair that he had to die so horribly, either--the second time, anyway...

Life is short, at least for human beings. I'm not sure how long people live where I come from. But the people I care about are fragile, and I want to hold onto them for as long as I can. I might have overstepped the bounds of being just a good friend when I kissed Lana. But how many boyfriends, parents, friends, and suitors is one girl supposed to lose in her lifetime? Maybe I felt sorry for her. Maybe the lack of attention from Lex and all of my other life stresses were starting to wear on me by that point. Unfortunately, it was just stupid, I shouldn't have done it, and I'm sorry. Okay, so I ought to be telling her that, but she's not here.

Right now I wish I could apologize to Lex, too. I can't, of course, not here on the road to New York to see Virgil Swann again. Lex is withholding something from me, and not just his affection. I admit I freaked out when I saw that wire on him, but I felt so ashamed when I ripped open his shirt demanding an explanation. Our home and farm are in a shambles after the F.B.I. or whoever turned it upside-down looking for the key to the ship, but that doesn't pardon me for attacking the man I love.

It's too late for me to tell Lex everything he wants to know about me now. How I wish we'd been able to be upfront with each other from the very beginning! My parents have insisted that I keep secrets all of my life from everyone I know, even from Lex, who means the world to me, and it's starting to hurt my relationships beyond repair. But I don't want Lionel learning things that could make him hurt me or my lover, so I can't even start revealing anything to Lex.

Lex wants to take care of me, to protect me, just as I want to do for him. However, what will happen if we slowly pull apart from one another: no secrets, no promises, no sex, no kisses, not even a friendly touch? I want him. I love him. I need him more than anyone else in the world. What will I do if I lose him? It won't be anybody's fault but mine if that happens. Will I ever forgive myself?

Lex hasn't touched me in nearly a month. Will I survive if he never touches me again?

THE END