Title: Better Left Unsaid
Author: Leah Roman
Rating: R for implied (a little actual) m/m sex
Classification: VA, M/Sk UST
Summary: Skinner tells Mulder something he doesn't want to hear.
Disclaimer: Insert standard disclaimer here. They aren't mine.
Author's Notes: This is sort of a companion to Janet's "SANCTUARY" piece. There was a scene in there that I wanted more of, and Janet gave me permission to write it. I'm not sure you need to read one to understand the other, but please read her story; it's really
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Since the breakdown of my marriage, working late had become a way of life for me. It had become my way of avoiding my cold, empty apartment, my solitary, lonely life. I looked at my watch; it was later than I thought. Probably time to clear my desk and go home.
Just as I stood up, I heard a knock at my door.
"Sir, can I speak to you, please?"
I couldn't help but smile. "Come in, Agent Mulder." This was how it happened the first time. He hadn't planned on seducing me that night, but we were both weary and alone, and we managed to find comfort in each other.
"I figured you would be working late, so I thought I would come up here and distract you." He smiled his trademark lopsided grin. I wondered if he noticed how I softened every time I saw that smile.
"I was just about to call it a night," I said tiredly.
"Yeah, you look a little stressed." He came very close to me. "Let me see if I can help." With his hands on my shoulders, he drew me in and kissed me gently. His lips were soft and full against mine, giving just a hint of his underlying need. He pulled me into a strong, warm embrace, promising a brief time when I would be able to forget the darkness of my world.
I wrapped my arms around him and held him tightly as I plunged my tongue into his mouth, suddenly overwhelmed by my hunger for him. He moaned into my mouth, the vibration traveling straight to my groin. My dick grew hard as Mulder ground his hips against mine.
"I want to suck you, Walter," he breathed into my ear.
"No, Fox, not here. Please, not here," I begged desperately.
"Why not?" he whispered seductively. "What are you afraid of?"
"I-- I don't know. Just-- please." My IQ rapidly declined as he pressed himself against me. I knew all the reasons we shouldn't do this here, but I wanted him so badly, I couldn't form the words to tell him.
"Let me give this to you, Walter. I want to do this for you." He dropped to his knees and quickly opened my belt and unfastened my pants. I groaned when he pulled out my shaft.
Jesus, he felt good. His mouth was hot and wet on my cock. As I opened my eyes, wanting to drink in the sight of Fox Mulder on his knees before me, I caught a flicker of movement outside the vestibule window. I was certain I saw red hair.
"Shit," I cursed softly. I wanted to pull away, but the sensation of his tongue swirling around my shaft stopped me.
"Hmm?" he questioned while still sucking.
"Fox, stop," I said sharply.
He knelt in front of me, genuinely concerned. "What is it, Walter? What's wrong?"
"I think I saw someone," I said as I hastily straightened my clothes.
Mulder's eyes went wide with surprise. "Who was it? Did you recognize him? How long was he there? How much did he see?"
I sighed. "I think it was Scully. I don't know how much she saw."
"Fuck." He ran out the door toward the elevator leaving me standing alone in the middle of my office.
I sat at my desk and removed my glasses; pinching the bridge of my nose in an effort to stave off the headache I felt building. Everyone in the Bureau knew how Scully felt about Mulder. Hell, everyone thought Mulder felt the same. Most people thought they had been sleeping together for years. Only the three of us knew differently. Mulder's feelings toward his partner were strong, but not sexual. I realized that Scully hadn't figured that out until she saw us.
Lost in these thoughts, I wasn't aware of the minutes ticking by. I looked up as I heard the elevator doors open. I put my glasses back on and folded my hands on my desk.
"She's gone," he said quietly. "I went down to the basement, but she had already cleared out. Are you sure it was her?" he asked anxiously.
"Yes, Fox, I'm sure it was her." I took off my glasses again and rubbed my eyes; suddenly I was very tired. "You should have told her. WE should have told her," I corrected myself, "a long time ago."
I felt like shit, and Mulder looked like he would break down and cry at any moment. We had never intended for Scully to find out this way. There just never seemed to be a good time or an easy way to tell her. It had taken Mulder and me a long time to adjust ourselves to the idea that we were having an affair. I think telling Scully would somehow have made this thing more real than either of us wanted.
"That may be true," he conceded, "but the question is what do we do about it now?"
I fought the temptation to dump the whole thing in his lap. She was his goddamned partner, after all. But this was our doing and our responsibility. "I don't know. Maybe you should call her. Maybe the three of us should talk this out."
"Yeah, and what are we going to say to her? 'Scully, this wasn't what it looked like? I wasn't actually on my knees going down on my boss in the middle of his office?'"
His voice had risen to the point of hysteria. I went to him and pulled him into a comforting embrace.
"No, Fox," I whispered in his ear, "no more lies. She deserves the truth, and we should have told her from the start." I stroked my hands rhythmically up and down his back to calm him. His muscles practically rippled with tension. "If there's anyone who can and should be trusted with this, it's Dana Scully."
He pushed away and turned his back on me. "No! I can't bring myself to tell her. I can't bear the disappointment I'll see in her eyes. I know she loves me. I never wanted to hurt her, but I could never give her what she needs. She deserves better than me."
"Does that mean that I deserve less?" I growled viciously. I spun him around roughly, and willed myself not to punch him. My hands clenched into tight fists at my sides.
"Damn it Walter, that's not what I meant and you know it." He sighed in frustration. "Maybe I should just go. I'll call you in the morning, okay?" he said as he turned to leave.
"Fox, please don't go," I said, my voice sounding pathetic and whiny even to me. Christ, what had this man done to me? What happened to the strong, independent ex-Marine that I once was? I wrapped my arms around him from behind. "I don't want you to go," I whispered into his neck, his soft hair tickling my nose. "We need to figure out what to do."
How did this happen to me? When had I become so dependent on him for comfort and support? In the few short months that we had been seeing each other, something in me had changed. He could always brighten my day. Habits that had once been infuriating were now somehow endearing to me. His was the last voice I wanted to hear before I went to sleep, and I couldn't wait to see him in the morning. Hell, I found myself almost looking forward to going to work every day.
He turned in my embrace and leaned his forehead against mine. "I don't know what to do. We'll think of something in the morning," he said softly. Gently, he extricated himself from my grasp. I sighed as he stepped away.
"Just call her," I said firmly.
He shook his head. "I can't talk to her right now."
"I know," I said gently. "Just tell her that we'll meet for lunch tomorrow. We'll figure out what to do from there."
He sighed and went to my phone, dialed Scully's number.
"There's no answer on her cell," he said after a moment.
"Try her at home, then," I said, hoping I sounded calm and reasonable. She had to be pretty upset if she wasn't answering her cell phone.
He dialed another number. "Hi, Scully, it's me. Call me on my cell phone when you get this message. It's important, okay? I really need to talk to you." He hung up the phone and looked at me. "All we can do now is wait, I guess."
"She'll call, Fox," not wanting to let on how worried I was. I went to hold him, but he pushed me away.
"I think I should go home, Walter," he said quietly as he brushed past me.
"Wait. Please-- I don't want you to go." I didn't know how he would react to my next words. With a deep breath, I plunged ahead. I needed to say this. "I want you to stay with me tonight. I don't want to be alone. I need you."
His head snapped around; he looked positively stunned. "Walter," he sighed, "I can't do this right now. I need time to think, to figure things out." He turned to leave.
I needed to say the rest. I had the feeling that if he left now, we'd never be together again. I couldn't face the thought of not being with him. I needed to feel his strong arms holding me, comforting me. I needed to feel his mouth kissing, licking, sucking every part of me. I needed him inside me, filling body, soul and me.
"I love you," I said quietly, the words slipping out before I could stop them. I never thought I'd want to say those words again. But as I said it, I knew it was the truth; and I knew I'd never forgive myself if I let him go without saying it.
"What did you say?" He blinked at me in confusion. Why was I suddenly unable to meet his eyes?
"I love you," I said around the lump in my throat. "I love you, and I want you to stay with me tonight."
"Walter, please don't do this to me right now," he said, his voice rough with emotion. "I can't handle this. Why are you saying this to me now?"
"Because I don't want to lose you. I don't want you to walk out of this office and out of my life forever. You've become too important to me." I felt my eyes stinging with tears of anger and frustration, and other emotions I didn't want to examine too closely. God, if I started crying, I'd pull out my gun and shoot myself. "Please don't go. Not now, not ever." I looked away from him. If he wanted to leave, that was his choice. If he was going to walk out, I didn't want to watch.
We stood for a long moment, not moving, not looking at each other. Finally, he looked at me, his eyes hooded, apparently having reached a decision. "You're important to me, too, Walter," he said softly. "But I'm not sure if it's love. How am I supposed to tell?"
He sounded so young; he looked so innocent. I just wanted to hold him and tell him it would be okay. I might be able to convince him, but I'd never convince myself. I couldn't live with his uncertainty. His feelings had to be as strong as mine, or this would never work. I'd be too afraid that he would get tired of me, that he would come to resent my dependence on him, that he would leave. No, if we weren't equals, then this would have to end here and now. And I would have to be the one to do it. It was for our own good. I had to keep myself together just a little longer.
"If it were really love, you'd know," I said sadly. "Go home, Agent Mulder. Get some sleep," I told him. "Tell Scully it was all a mistake." I turned away, dismissing him.
"Good night, sir," he said, closing the door quietly behind him.
I locked the door, emptied my weapon, and allowed the tears to come.
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