Title: Sweet and Sour Pickles (Nourishment 3.10)
Author: Janet F. Caires-Lesgold
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Category: Vignette, angst, Clark POV
Spoilers: Post-ep for "Velocity"
Rating: PG for implications of m/m interaction
Pairing: Clark/Lex established relationship
Summary: Clark wises up
DISCLAIMER: These characters do not belong to me. Smallville is the property of Alfred Gough, Miles Millar, Tollin-Robbins Productions, and Warner Bros. Television, and based upon characters originally created by Jerome Siegel and Joe Shuster. This story is just for the entertainment of my online friends and myself, not for any profit.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: The rest of "The Nourishment Series" can be found elsewhere on this archive - Enjoy!
DEDICATION: For Tiff, who is always there
COPYRIGHT: (C) Janet F. Caires-Lesgold, July 26, 2004, firstname.lastname@example.org
Please don't redistribute or alter this story in any way without the express permission of the author. Thank you very much.
Lex trusts me.
So how could I lie to him like that?
I really wanted to tell him about "borrowing" his car, but something stopped me. When he came over to talk to me about it, all I could do was speculate along with him about some conscientious thief.
Does Pete understand the depths to which I have sunk to save his sorry ass? I am almost positive that had I needed that money for myself, Lex would have lent it to me without so much as a shrug. But I asked for him, and that made all the difference.
Before it was all over, though, I stole my lover's car, and when the topic came up, I lied about it. It's not like I don't lie to him about other things, but this one really made me feel dirty, because I actually committed a crime against him. All of the other things--about me, my origins, my abilities--could hurt him were he to find them out, so it's better that he not know. I'm not sure if it would put me in danger, exactly, but I would fear for his safety (from his father, if no one else) if he recalled everything that the electroshock therapy erased away.
But this time I've genuinely done something wrong to the man I love, and denied all culpability. God, I think I hate myself more than I hate Pete right now.
The thing that really freaks me out, though? I'm pretty sure he knows. Lex didn't ask me if I knew anything about his car, but he gave me every opportunity to 'fess up, waiting for me to admit what I had done. He probably would have accepted any explanation I gave him and forgiven me on the spot, but there was a tiny chance that he wouldn't. That's what kept me from telling him the whole truth, or at least I think that's what it was.
But then he said something about crossing moral lines being the true test of friendship, and it was like he forgave me anyway. It was almost like he was proud of me for lying to him, like he expected it, so that while he gave me his absolution, he accused, convicted, and sentenced me in the very same breath.
And then he left. No hug, no kiss, no "I love you"--nothing. Not that I think I deserved them, of course. It just would be nice to feel like I might ever get them from him again sometime in the future.
So now I've gotten off scot free, and I get to live with the guilt. I just pray that he really will forgive me, or that I'll actually be able to stop lying to him someday. If only I thought that were possible...
Lex trusted me. He loved me and believed in me, and I may have just stretched his confidence in me too far. What the hell have I done?
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