Title: STAGE (Thicker, chapter 6)
Author: Janet F. Caires-Lesgold
Feedback to: email@example.com
Archive: by author permission only
Category: Story, angsty pre-Wincest, Dean POV
Spoilers: Post-ep for "Route 666"
Rating: M for adults only due to language and sexual situations
Pairing: Sam/Dean pending
DISCLAIMER: These characters do not belong to me. Supernatural was created by Eric Kripke, and is the property of Kripke Enterprises Scrap Metal and Entertainment (Eric Kripke and Robert Singer, executive producers), Wonderland Sound and Vision, Warner Brothers, and the CW Network. This story is just for the entertainment of my online friends and myself, not for any profit.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The rest of my Supernatural stories, also known as the "Thicker" series, appear elsewhere on this archive--Enjoy!
DEDICATION: For Tiff, who knows the reality.
COPYRIGHT: (C) Janet F. Caires-Lesgold, October 25, 2006, firstname.lastname@example.org
Please don't redistribute or alter this story in any way without the express permission of the author. Thank you very much.
"Here I am, on the road again
There I am, up on the stage
Here I go, playing the star again
There I go, turn the page..."
Seger on the cassette player as we drive through southern Missouri. Shades to hide the fact that I'm not actually asleep. I can deal with this. Other things? Not so much.
Cassie goes back onto the list of failed experiments. I guess we got some closure--another attempt to see if there was anything really left between us. And whaddya know? There wasn't.
This doesn't surprise me. I guess I was lonely and too eager to connect with anyone at all when I met her, or just too easily swayed by sex to separate it in my mind from "love". It has always been kind of rare for me to stay anyplace long enough to wake up in the same girl's bed three days in a row.
That's the reason I don't actually fuck a lot of the girls I meet: there's no future in it. Oh, sure--I make it look like I'm just in it for a good time, but I do have my limits. A little fooling around is usually sufficient for the girls I'm going to leave tomorrow.
I should have drawn that line with Cassie this time, too, but I know why I didn't:
Sam. I kissed my brother. Oh, God, Sammy--what was I thinking?
I know the answer to that one, too. I was dying and terrified and alone--well, alone except for the one person on earth who understands me and my life. He supports nearly everything I do and knows just the right words to say, even if they make me want to rip him a new one sometimes. He was there with me, as I needed him to be.
Even while we lay in bed together, his arms safely around me, it felt like the end of the world. But I couldn't go just yet--there was unfinished business I needed to complete. No, not hunting demons or anything. I had to close the gap between us, make our connection more concrete, show my Sammy how much he means to me.
So I kissed him, tasting him, wanting him, taking what I could from him. I don't know exactly how far I'd have been willing to go that night, had I been in any shape to do so, but he stopped me before I could make a complete fool of myself. Suddenly he brought me back to my senses, and we didn't break any rules, either man's or God's.
And then I got better (thanks to one scary-ass faith healer), and my whole life stretched before me again: demons around the corner, Dad out there somewhere, and Sam by my side where he belongs. I didn't need to feel him inside me anymore, or at least I could make myself believe that it was true.
In fact, I was trying to forget about my indiscretion when a request from across the country came to my rescue. It brought me a convenient reunion with an old friend, a reason to go be a real man and fuck a girl instead of dwelling on my brother's soft lips, strong shoulders, and admiring gaze.
Sam was visibly disappointed in me when he discovered that Cassie existed and was only pretending to be amused when I admitted to having spent the night with her. It wasn't wrong for me to do it, but it did make me feel like hell for leading her on a little as well as for rejecting him so quickly. But that's just the way it has to be. I can't love anyone I'm going to have to leave behind, and I can't let myself succumb to any desire to touch my brother if I'm going to work beside him for the rest of my life.
I can deal with this. It's all an act, really. I'll just go ahead and entertain the pretty girls wherever we go, not getting too far with any of them, just being a man without being too much of a prick.
Meanwhile, I'll be Sam's big brother, and I'll behave myself. Forget yesterday. Keep up the performance. Don't hurt anybody. Turn the page. Good idea...
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